Tara and Easter

Tara and Easter
"Aw, mom"

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

The Perfect Repellant


I'll bet you saw the title of this blog entry and decided it would be about bugs.  Why would I think that?  Because my state is famous for bugs.  Large bugs, small bugs, bugs as big as your face.  Brown bugs, blue bugs, bugs that like to chase.  Sad bugs, happy bugs, bugs with attitude.  Shiny bugs, dull bugs, bugs that are quite rude.

However, this is not about bugs.  In fact, if there was a perfect bug repellant, we would have chased the bugs somewhere else.  Like Georgia.  Alas, our bugs are still with us, happily gearing up for their best season of the year.  

So, no, not bugs, but our other famous inhabitants.  "Aha!", you say, "I know!  This is about alligators.".  Again, a mistake.  Alligators are also enjoying the waning days of spring and looking forward to a long summer of feasting on birds, fish, small mammals, and inattentive tourists, (they are trying to cut back on native Floridians that wander within their reach because of the alcohol content).  Indeed, nothing repels an alligator, except heavy layers of clothing (which isn't usually a problem down here).  I suspect many even have flip-flop and Speedo collections to recall their favorite dining experiences.  

So, our other most famous resident, that is not normally covered in either scaly skin or an exoskeleton, is the human kind.  A unique breed of human, common in all states, predominantly male, and goes by his scientific name: homo crackerien.  Now, why, do you ask, would this rather common species act as any sort of repellant?  To understand this is understand the nature of Floridians.  From the time of the first inhabitants, there has been a pattern of behavior that involves hours of standing in shady spots communicating with each other.  This was likely  brought on by the heat making it too uncomfortable to work for long hours during the day.  Some would call this gossiping, but it may have actually developed as a survival technique to stay out of the worst of the heat.  When one among many did something that resulted in pain, loss of limb, disfigurement, or death, everyone discussed it in cool spots with cool drinks in hand.  As our society became more public, Floridians kept widening the circle until sharing the antics of the weirdest among us is too hard a habit to break.  Thus, while most states are clever enough to hide the daily lives of their residents who attempt the odd, the strange, the weird, or the drunken dare;  we in Florida put ours on display for public discussion.  Every Floridian mother's nightmare is to see their son described in any article that begins with the words: "Florida man....".  

Now, we get to the repellant part.  This article is what I call the latest in a long campaign to slow growth in Florida.  The perfect repellant.  Perhaps there is a bit of genius behind these antics.

http://www.actionnewsjax.com/news/local/florida-man-bitten-on-tongue-by-rattlesnake-in-putnam-county/523267313

Or, was it, perhaps, not the Florida man at all, but the serpent that should be held accountable?  

It was not enough that the snake was handled.  No, dear reader, that snake desired a closer relationship with his unwary handler.  This, my friends, is how Eve was tempted.  That snake seduced the poor man into kissing it.  And, our hero could have had beer or money on the line as well, which would have been hard to resist.  (Please know that this young man is expected to recover with a painful memory and an interesting story.  God bless his poor mother).  

Florida is experiencing too much growth, as of late, so please pass these and all similar stories around to help discourage anyone else from coming here.  Stories like this are meant to be shared in a long tradition that began when the first two people met the first large reptile and one of them uttered that famous phrase heard throughout the land, "Hold my beer and watch this..."